My Christmas this year will be spent in a foreign country, and not the one I have spent that past four months in. This year I will be traveling by train on Christmas Eve north of Thailand and into Laos. Because of this I have decided to tell the story of my Christmas last year since it has yet to be told and I will not have a Christmas to tell of this year. Brace yourself, for here it comes, and Yonce stories are never normal but usually quite entertaining.
December 23:
T'was two days before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, until the clock struck six that great morning and Simon and Garfunkel began to play. Two hours later, we had not left the house, no school for me today...and we still had no tree. Mom was passed out in her bed, and we had her keys. Off we went to hunt for the perfect tree.
Tree farm # 1: We arrive at a tree farm just off of the highway, about a five minute drive from our house. The sign on the barn said they were closed, but they had told us they were open on the phone and there was an open sign on the gift shop. Katelynn, my oldest sister, and I lost "nose-goes" so we went into the gift shop and asked the old woman there if they were open to sell trees. She gave us a funny look and said "Yes we are, but we haven't had much business around this time of the season, someone will be out there shortly." We thanked her and walked to the car to get Corrine, my second oldest sister, and Emily, the youngest. Two men came wandering over, eying us four teenage girls, not knowing what to make of us. They hand us a saw and a cart and point us in the direction of the trees. "Do you have any trees between seven and eight feet tall?" Katelynn politely asked the Christmas tree men. They eyed each other then one of them responded with a gruff "Uh, yeah, they're all mixed in there, check around back behind the barn." We headed in the indicated direction, and all of the trees were shorter than we were, except for Emily. Apparently I'm taller then I thought I was. After we walked the entire perimeter of the tree farm, and then-some, we gave up and asked if they knew of another tree farm near-by. They told us of one that was about a mile up the road.
Tree farm #1: FAIL
Tree farm #2: We arrive at the tree farm with our optimism still high....well more of hovering at a midway point and slowly dwindling. Corrine and Katelynn lose "nose goes" and get out of the car. An old man comes out of the house and meets them. They inform him that we are looking to cut down a tree about seven or eight feet. He tells them that they have just what we're looking for, then asks them of they have any other help. Kateynn smiles and says "Of course, we have two more girls in the car!" Right on cue, Em and I jump out of the car, ready to go. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. He ambled into his shop, grabbed a saw and handed it to me. He directed us where to go to find the trees we were looking for. It was about a five minute walk to where they were. We were in wonder. This tree farm was exactly what we were looking for, but would they have the right tree? We spent about an hour or so searching for the perfect tree. I don't know the exact time, but it was a long time. We were tired, cold, and hungry beyond belief when we finally settled for one. It was a little too big and odd shaped, but it would have to do. Kate and Em walked back to get the car while Corrine and I started to try to cut down the tree. It was about ten minutes later, I wasn't even halfway through the trunk, when the old man came driving down in his truck. Corrine looked at me and whispered "He's either here to help us, or kill us." We started laughing uncontrollably; he must have thought we were nuts. "Are you here to help us?" She called out to him. "Well, I guess," He replied unenthusiastically. "You were taking a long time, so I thought I'd see what was up." I guess he didn't understand how particular Kate was about the tree. He whipped out his chain saw, started her up, and had the tree down in less than a minute. We then helped him load it onto his truck and began our long trudge back to the farm. He had offered us a ride, but we respectfully declined; neither of us wanted to have awkward small talk. When we arrived to the farm, he stuffed the tree into the big machine that wraps the trees up nice and tight in wire. That made it actually look almost like a normal Christmas Tree. He tied our strange tree to the roof of the car and we were off.
Tree Farm #2: Success.
Now all we had to do was somehow get the tree into the house, in the stand, and stable. Not as easy as it sounds. The first two parts were easy, it was the stability we had trouble with. After some fussing, we had it in the stand on it's own, but it was too close to the wall. I got under the tree and proceeded to move tree and stand, when all of a sudden, it fell. Luckily Kate caught it before it could come crashing to the ground. We had it stable again, then again, as we were putting the lights on it fell over - three more times. Finally we decided to just tie it up to the wall so it wouldn't fall over any more. We figured out that, because it was so out of proportion, it would be impossible to keep it up on its own. You could barely notice the bright orange rope holding it up. OK, it was very noticeable, but it gave it character. We stood looking at it for a moment, before we began to decorate it, and we all burst into tears of laughter. It was so outrageously ugly that we just couldn't help ourselves. "I think it really reflects on us though," Corrine announced between gasps, "An odd tree for an odd family." I agree. We had the slight hope that maybe, once we put the lights on, it would look better, then we had an even slighter hope that the ornaments would help. They didn't. In fact, they made it much worse. It ended up that they accentuated the bald spots and the random bulges in the branches. There is really no possible way to explain how horrible, yet perfect, this tree really was. By the time we were done with the tree, we were much too exhausted to do anything else but sleep.
December 24:
Christmas Eve. We were awoken with a startle by Katelynn at 10:30 am. "We're leaving in ten minutes!" She shouted down the hall so everyone could hear. Where we were headed I had no idea. As I put on my clothes that fated morning, I was completely unaware of what I was heading to. It was like a train heading full force onto an unfinished track, without ever knowing. As we all piled into the car, we were still a little groggy from the little sleep we had. It was about five minutes into our ride when someone foolishly realized we didn't know what we were doing, and asked the question that was best left unanswered. "Christmas shopping!" Katelynn announced all-too cheerfully. NOOOO!!!! By then, it was too late for me to leap from the car and walk home, we were already on the highway heading to Albany. There is no greater Hell than last minute Christmas shopping at the Albany mall, on Christmas Eve, with my mom. We were all doomed. This is the part of the holiday that I always block from my memory. Even now I could never give you the exact details, just that I was incredibly hungry and tired the entire time. I do, however, recall sitting on a bench for about twenty minutes by myself waiting for everyone. Let me correct myself, I wasn't alone the entire time, a very nice Indian family sat with me for a few minutes. We finally made it home in one piece, although I have no idea how. After that scarring and exhausting experience, we sat down and watched A Muppet's Christmas Carol. This may seem like a nice family Christmas tradition thing to do, but really was just convenient. Corrine and I made some crappy coffee in preparation for the long night of wrapping ahead of us, but it didn't help at all. We were both beyond the point of exhaustion. As a result of this, some things were wrapped in tinfoil, I wrapped a box in Halloween Napkins, a few boxes were wrapped upside down, and many more were haphazardly thrown together, but we did not care, they matched our ridiculous tree. It was almost two in the morning when we finally went to bed. We figured, the later we went to sleep, the later we could get up, and the less time we would have to wait for our mom to finish wrapping everything.
December 25:
10:30 am: Christmas day, but not just yet. No one is up except for me. I have been up for about half an hour.
12:00 pm: More people have emerged, but we still haven't done anything.
3:00 pm: Mom just realized we were alllll up. We just finished A Nightmare Before Christmas and discovered that was what they talk about in the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182...I feel enlightened.
4:30 pm: Mom finally has decided that we will be celebrating Christmas today.
5:30pm: We have unwrapped most of our gifts and now have to super clean because Steven, my mom's boss/boyfriend/friend/whatever, and Paul, his dad, were coming over, as they do every year, to exchange gifts.
6:30 pm: They arrive. Katelynn points out that my mom has gotten them more gifts than all of us combined. Nice.
8:30 pm: Everything is unwrapped except for a few of Mom's gifts. They are now preparing the roast. Dinner should be ready around ten, so we settle for watching Public Enemies.
10:45 pm: Dinner is ready, smells delicious. I am quite hungry.
12ish something: We finally finished yet another crazy dinner with the Yonces and the Okarskis. We never have a normal one. I am wiped but Steve and Paul are still here and Mom still has gifts to open, and Bones is on!
2 something: We finally are heading to bed. This has been the most chaotic of all of my Christmases, yet somehow the most enjoyable, at times. Thank you for listening.
Our Tree:
December 23:
T'was two days before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, until the clock struck six that great morning and Simon and Garfunkel began to play. Two hours later, we had not left the house, no school for me today...and we still had no tree. Mom was passed out in her bed, and we had her keys. Off we went to hunt for the perfect tree.
Tree farm # 1: We arrive at a tree farm just off of the highway, about a five minute drive from our house. The sign on the barn said they were closed, but they had told us they were open on the phone and there was an open sign on the gift shop. Katelynn, my oldest sister, and I lost "nose-goes" so we went into the gift shop and asked the old woman there if they were open to sell trees. She gave us a funny look and said "Yes we are, but we haven't had much business around this time of the season, someone will be out there shortly." We thanked her and walked to the car to get Corrine, my second oldest sister, and Emily, the youngest. Two men came wandering over, eying us four teenage girls, not knowing what to make of us. They hand us a saw and a cart and point us in the direction of the trees. "Do you have any trees between seven and eight feet tall?" Katelynn politely asked the Christmas tree men. They eyed each other then one of them responded with a gruff "Uh, yeah, they're all mixed in there, check around back behind the barn." We headed in the indicated direction, and all of the trees were shorter than we were, except for Emily. Apparently I'm taller then I thought I was. After we walked the entire perimeter of the tree farm, and then-some, we gave up and asked if they knew of another tree farm near-by. They told us of one that was about a mile up the road.
Tree farm #1: FAIL
Tree farm #2: We arrive at the tree farm with our optimism still high....well more of hovering at a midway point and slowly dwindling. Corrine and Katelynn lose "nose goes" and get out of the car. An old man comes out of the house and meets them. They inform him that we are looking to cut down a tree about seven or eight feet. He tells them that they have just what we're looking for, then asks them of they have any other help. Kateynn smiles and says "Of course, we have two more girls in the car!" Right on cue, Em and I jump out of the car, ready to go. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. He ambled into his shop, grabbed a saw and handed it to me. He directed us where to go to find the trees we were looking for. It was about a five minute walk to where they were. We were in wonder. This tree farm was exactly what we were looking for, but would they have the right tree? We spent about an hour or so searching for the perfect tree. I don't know the exact time, but it was a long time. We were tired, cold, and hungry beyond belief when we finally settled for one. It was a little too big and odd shaped, but it would have to do. Kate and Em walked back to get the car while Corrine and I started to try to cut down the tree. It was about ten minutes later, I wasn't even halfway through the trunk, when the old man came driving down in his truck. Corrine looked at me and whispered "He's either here to help us, or kill us." We started laughing uncontrollably; he must have thought we were nuts. "Are you here to help us?" She called out to him. "Well, I guess," He replied unenthusiastically. "You were taking a long time, so I thought I'd see what was up." I guess he didn't understand how particular Kate was about the tree. He whipped out his chain saw, started her up, and had the tree down in less than a minute. We then helped him load it onto his truck and began our long trudge back to the farm. He had offered us a ride, but we respectfully declined; neither of us wanted to have awkward small talk. When we arrived to the farm, he stuffed the tree into the big machine that wraps the trees up nice and tight in wire. That made it actually look almost like a normal Christmas Tree. He tied our strange tree to the roof of the car and we were off.
Tree Farm #2: Success.
Now all we had to do was somehow get the tree into the house, in the stand, and stable. Not as easy as it sounds. The first two parts were easy, it was the stability we had trouble with. After some fussing, we had it in the stand on it's own, but it was too close to the wall. I got under the tree and proceeded to move tree and stand, when all of a sudden, it fell. Luckily Kate caught it before it could come crashing to the ground. We had it stable again, then again, as we were putting the lights on it fell over - three more times. Finally we decided to just tie it up to the wall so it wouldn't fall over any more. We figured out that, because it was so out of proportion, it would be impossible to keep it up on its own. You could barely notice the bright orange rope holding it up. OK, it was very noticeable, but it gave it character. We stood looking at it for a moment, before we began to decorate it, and we all burst into tears of laughter. It was so outrageously ugly that we just couldn't help ourselves. "I think it really reflects on us though," Corrine announced between gasps, "An odd tree for an odd family." I agree. We had the slight hope that maybe, once we put the lights on, it would look better, then we had an even slighter hope that the ornaments would help. They didn't. In fact, they made it much worse. It ended up that they accentuated the bald spots and the random bulges in the branches. There is really no possible way to explain how horrible, yet perfect, this tree really was. By the time we were done with the tree, we were much too exhausted to do anything else but sleep.
December 24:
Christmas Eve. We were awoken with a startle by Katelynn at 10:30 am. "We're leaving in ten minutes!" She shouted down the hall so everyone could hear. Where we were headed I had no idea. As I put on my clothes that fated morning, I was completely unaware of what I was heading to. It was like a train heading full force onto an unfinished track, without ever knowing. As we all piled into the car, we were still a little groggy from the little sleep we had. It was about five minutes into our ride when someone foolishly realized we didn't know what we were doing, and asked the question that was best left unanswered. "Christmas shopping!" Katelynn announced all-too cheerfully. NOOOO!!!! By then, it was too late for me to leap from the car and walk home, we were already on the highway heading to Albany. There is no greater Hell than last minute Christmas shopping at the Albany mall, on Christmas Eve, with my mom. We were all doomed. This is the part of the holiday that I always block from my memory. Even now I could never give you the exact details, just that I was incredibly hungry and tired the entire time. I do, however, recall sitting on a bench for about twenty minutes by myself waiting for everyone. Let me correct myself, I wasn't alone the entire time, a very nice Indian family sat with me for a few minutes. We finally made it home in one piece, although I have no idea how. After that scarring and exhausting experience, we sat down and watched A Muppet's Christmas Carol. This may seem like a nice family Christmas tradition thing to do, but really was just convenient. Corrine and I made some crappy coffee in preparation for the long night of wrapping ahead of us, but it didn't help at all. We were both beyond the point of exhaustion. As a result of this, some things were wrapped in tinfoil, I wrapped a box in Halloween Napkins, a few boxes were wrapped upside down, and many more were haphazardly thrown together, but we did not care, they matched our ridiculous tree. It was almost two in the morning when we finally went to bed. We figured, the later we went to sleep, the later we could get up, and the less time we would have to wait for our mom to finish wrapping everything.
December 25:
10:30 am: Christmas day, but not just yet. No one is up except for me. I have been up for about half an hour.
12:00 pm: More people have emerged, but we still haven't done anything.
3:00 pm: Mom just realized we were alllll up. We just finished A Nightmare Before Christmas and discovered that was what they talk about in the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182...I feel enlightened.
4:30 pm: Mom finally has decided that we will be celebrating Christmas today.
5:30pm: We have unwrapped most of our gifts and now have to super clean because Steven, my mom's boss/boyfriend/friend/whatever, and Paul, his dad, were coming over, as they do every year, to exchange gifts.
6:30 pm: They arrive. Katelynn points out that my mom has gotten them more gifts than all of us combined. Nice.
8:30 pm: Everything is unwrapped except for a few of Mom's gifts. They are now preparing the roast. Dinner should be ready around ten, so we settle for watching Public Enemies.
10:45 pm: Dinner is ready, smells delicious. I am quite hungry.
12ish something: We finally finished yet another crazy dinner with the Yonces and the Okarskis. We never have a normal one. I am wiped but Steve and Paul are still here and Mom still has gifts to open, and Bones is on!
2 something: We finally are heading to bed. This has been the most chaotic of all of my Christmases, yet somehow the most enjoyable, at times. Thank you for listening.
